Music Mends Broken Hearts

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought of you of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No, I don't know what I want
You got it you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought of you of you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No, I don't know what I want

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
But I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought of you
I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I knew, but now I know what I want, I want, I want
Oh no, I've should have never thought


....Those lyrics say it all right now. Meh i'm such a loser. :( It's never gonna happen but i still torture myself.

done. sleep. night. love

Things feel like they are gonna fall apart soon. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach. Something bad is gonna happen, something isn't right. I feel very worried and anxious. I hope everything turns out to be alright and that my feelings are just wrong but that's not usually the case.....

*sigh* well i wont be sleeping tonight :(

You are my light you are my fire
The only one that's not a lier
You get me through all of my days
You keep me numb to the pain

When I'm lonely
When I'm calling out
Scream for a friend
You always hear a sound
Keep me happy
Keep me happy now
When all the world around
Crumbles to the ground
Crumbles to the ground

You keep my calm when I'm not fine
You take the pressure off my mind
And even though I don't see clear
I feel safe cause you're here

When I'm lonely
When I'm calling out
Scream for a friend
You always hear a sound
Keep me happy
Keep me happy now
When all the world around
Crumbles to the ground
Crumbles to the ground

Am I too fucked up
To really see (to really see)
You're the best friend that's killing me (that's killing me)

You get me through all of my days
You keep me numb to the pain

When I'm lonely
When I'm calling out
Scream for a friend
You always hear a sound
Keep me happy
Keep me happy now
When all the world around
Crumbles to the ground
Crumbles to the ground
Crumbles to the ground
Crumbles to the ground

This song just says it all for me right now. God I love smile empty soul. ugh this song is so true that it's almost scary. Comments? Leave them.

<3

I am frustrated in more ways than one. *sigh*

I wish i knew....maybe have some answers to things. But alas i don't and here i am still. I am stuck in my own hole i have burrowed for myself.

Someone just told me it was the first day of fall. Yay! It's the first day of more horrible days to come. I hate the fall and the winter. The fall with it's wind and leaves and chilly days and nights just foreshadowing the winter. I also hate Halloween. Ugh fuck that day..plus i'm working again this Halloween and it's on a Friday this year which for me means hell.

I fucking hate insomnia. I think that's what i have. I can't freaking sleep. My brain just doesn't shut off! Oh well. Guess i'll write some more until i feel like i've accomplished something.

So yeah death is a funny thing...well not so much funny but uncomfortable and sometimes ironic but always sad. It sucks when people die...even worse when people you know die. I've had to deal with that recently and it's not fun...i hate going through it. Even if i wasn't all too close with the person doesn't mean it isn't still sad.

I hate seeing the people i love in pain. It crushes me. I wish i could be there for them all the time but truth is i can't. I don't always know what to say or to do to make things better. I hate feeling helpless. I guess i care too much and that gets me in trouble because who is there to care about me? I think i spend too much time worrying about others than myself sometimes and i put my feelings on the back burner. I need to stop doing that cause it kills me. But i'm a good person who just wants to help. Can you blame me?

Love. Yeah i'm not gonna even get into that topic right now because it's so fucked up that i don't even want to talk about it. Lets just say it's killing me :(

So thats it. I feel like i've accomplished something. So i'm gonna stop now. I'll leave you with a quote from One Tree Hill...(love that show btw!)

"Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore?

If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react?

Whatever you imagined is wrong. There's nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the Ocean. It's deep and Dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love."

Night <3

so we are supposed to get a hurricane tonight. Isn't that awesome fun? Yeah and lucky me gets to work tonight, so i get stuck driving home in it. So yeah if you don't ever hear back from me, then i didn't make it home. That's kinda morbid sorry. It's just one of those days where I'm in a mood cause of the weather. Well the weather and also other things but that's besides the point.

So yeah i wish i could stay home and relax tonight. I'm so drained it's not even funny. I don't sleep much anymore. Not because i don't want to, i really want to believe me, i just can't seem to fall asleep. Like I'm tired but my body stays awake for some reason. I think it likes to torture me. My brain just likes to constantly think and never stop. Like last night i found myself laying in the dark crying at like fucking 3 in the morning. Now i don't know why i started but thoughts started to creep into my head to make me keep crying and even harder. *sigh* i don't know what my deal is. Maybe it's my lack of sleep that has been making me like this or maybe it's the fact that i hate my life as of now. Yeah that could be a big factor. I feel like a waste of life and i have no fucking motivation anymore. Also my lack of friends doesn't really help my case. So i just feel so alone and broken. I don't know. I could use some help. So any advice would be awesome. Alright well i probably had more to write in here but i can't remember, so yeah that's it. Leave me some advice or love. ttyl

<3 Manda

hmmmmmm........ i'm kinda confused. It's late and i'm not even tired. I think i have insomnia or something. Or it could be the fact that i go to bed at like 3:30-4 in the morning and wake up at 12:30-1 in the afternoon. Yeah i gotta stop doing that. Makes me feel like a waste of life. So yeah i'll elaborate on my confusion tomorrow cause i think i might actually sleep now maybe.

Night Night

<3

thats simple....music :)

so you know that saying "nice guys finish last"? Well it should be "nice PEOPLE finish last". It's also very true. If your a nice person your always gonna get the short end of the stick and fucked over. You know how many nice people i know and how many times they get fucked over all the time? Well the answer is A LOT but there also aren't a lot of nice people in this world either. I'm sorry that i'm a good natured person. My goal in life isn't making other's feel like shit for personal gain. I'm sorry that i actually give a damn about myself and others. I can't change that for other's liking and if thats what i have to do to get anywhere in life, then i'm sorry but i'm not gonna change that part of me. It's who i am. i guess i'll always get fucked over then huh? So i should just get used to feeling like shit then? How unfair is that? I don't understand how assholes always get what they want or always win over nice people. It doesn't make any sense. What ever fuck it. I'm just gonna be who I am and not who others want me to be.

Another thing....men suck. Including one in particular but i'm not gonna name any names. why can't i get treated with respect? Is that so hard to ask for? thats all i want, respect, and thats always the one thing i never get. So why should i keep trying? Well i don't want to be alone but there seems to be no good men out there. They are really all assholes that want one thing. You know what that one thing is. Fucking think with your heart or brain and not with your fucking penis!!! God fucking dammit! I'm not a piece of meat and i'm also not a dumb fucking asshole. I have a brain and use it often, so don't treat me like a dog. I'm not just a thing you can command. I don't take fucking orders so don't fucking beg. I do things for myself, not to please you. I'm not fucking selfish or controlling so fucking get over yourself. Stop blaming your problems on me. I didn't do anything wrong. You did and tried to pass the blame on me with some stupid bullshit answer. Being a bitter person is not going to get you anywhere in life so fucking suck it up and deal with your shit. Yes I'm posting this all on here for everyone to see but you know what it helps me deal with it. At least someone is dealing with anything. Maybe you should learn to do the same. when your in a relationship there is more than one person in it, so fucking learn to take in consideration that other person. Being selfish wont get you far with any girl and if it does then they are fucking brain dead and deserve to be with you. You never loved me because if you did you wouldn't have treated me like you did. All that shit you told me was a lie, a bunch of crap because all you wanted was sex. You really are a selfish prick! Weather you like it or not you need to change certain things about yourself. You aren't "the shit". So get over yourself. You have flaws and need to change them in order to have any successful relationship. I hate to tell you this but you'll end up alone if you keep up how your going. Maybe thats what you want and deserve. Aren't you the one that said " i hate people". Well guess it's good for you then, cause you'll be alone. Another thing if you want to get anywhere in life you need to deal with people, so fucking get over it. Yes half the population sucks and are rude nasty people but you need to deal with it! Oh and another thing, being destructive and only caring about yourself...drives the people that care about you away. So good luck with that fucking shit because yet again that will lead to you being alone. Oh btw pot is fucking dumb and i hope you have an awesome relationship with it. I guess it was more important than me so have fun. So yeah thats about it...i'm probably forgetting some shit i wanted to say but i'll add it if i think about it.

on a closing note... the reason why most women are crazy is because men make them like that. Stop fucking around and playing these fucking Cryptic games. Just fucking say what you want to say. Be honest and stop thinking with your dick!!

Well i'm single so if there are any nice men out there i hope they find their way to me.
alright thats it for now...peace later

<3 Manda

...balls

I haven't written in here in a while. A lot has happened.

some good some bad and some ugly.....I'll update more in detail later. right now i just wanted to say that i am alive.

...Later
<3 Manda

Have you ever felt like you were in a rut that you can't seem to shake? Well I do. I need to make certain changes in my life or else I'm going to become a walking shell of myself. I don't want to become that angry person that does the same routine everyday and is stuck to it because thats what I've become comfortable with. Change why does it sound so easy but is so fucking hard to do? I'll admit it I'm scared to change certain things in my life...you know why? Because then i wont be comfortable and i will be forced to grow up a little bit. I'm scared of changing and failing. I don't want to disappoint the people i love the most but i have a feeling i will. The reason i say that is because i disappoint myself. what am i doing with my future? Seriously i have no motives to do anything at this moment in time and that frightens me because I'm 21 years fucking old. I should be inspired to fucking get out in the damn world and do something but nothing really inspires me. Thats a fucking scary thought man. What am i doing wrong? I have so much potential to become something and i don't use it because I'm a fucking asshole. *sigh* the only things that make me happy are, food, music, my boy, and my friends....i want something to wake up for. I want to look forward to going to my job...i want to do something i love. Not cut people's pizza's and take people's orders and give people their food. Thats not something i enjoy doing at all. I'm sick of it. I hate coming home smelling of gross food and being all sweaty covered in grime from who knows what. Being pissed of and exhausted from dealing with rude people all night is not my idea of fun. I just want to be proud of what i do and of myself. Thats why i disappoint myself. I'm not really proud of where i am. I'm just stuck in a rut. The one thing i am proud of is the amazing people i have in my life and to know that i am loved. I just wish i could be proud of myself.

Got all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out. Yeah thats a bitch..don't ever do that. Ummm i started classes today. That sucks to..but whatever i have to do it. Oh and you know what i hate! When fucking people drive up your ass like you aren't going fast enough for them, when your going 10 mph over the speed limit already. And then when you speed up to go even faster they keep up with you and are still up your ass!!!! Thats what i really fucking hate..also people who drive with their brights on and blind you!

so yeah thats it for my little rant! Hope you enjoyed. Peace later

<3 Manda

First off i would like to say Happy New Year everyone! I hope everyones' holiday was good. I had a good one. Spent it with the people i love. I hope this year is better than the last because last year was horrible. Although a few good things came from it..most of it was stressful. Here is to a fresh new start! I've been pretty good so far...new boyfriend who i adore btw, the best of friends and an awesome family. But some things still stress me out. For example I'm getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled next Thursday and I'm fucking scared! This is the first time i have had any type of surgery what so ever. It's gonna be a bitch i know it.

Another thing has been bothering me. Now i'm not usually a mean or judgmental person but lately i've been finding that i can sometimes be judgmental and i hate it. I really need to stop that because it's horrible. Also I've been finding myself getting jealous of many things. It's turning me into an angry person and i don't know why the hell i'm jealous. Ugh i'm a mess. What am i meant to do? Because i don't have a freaking clue as to what i'm doing with myself. I need to start setting some goals for myself or else i will end up a bum who's lost and broken. I know thats very dark and maybe a little much to say right now but thats how i feel i might end up sometimes. I need motivation in my life and i haven't seem to find it yet. Which scares me a bit. It kinda makes me think that i haven't found what i'm looking for yet. Or maybe i have and i'm afraid to let it in because i don't want to end up hurt. I don't know anymore, i'm very confused.

Don't get me wrong i'm very happy with things atm but these are the thoughts that go through my head from time to time. Maybe i'm not as good as i let everyone believe i am. I'm not perfect, so don't expect me to always be. I need a vacation ugh lol. Alright well thats all i have for now. Leave some comments ..

<3 Manda

I'm fucked, simple as that. Whats wrong with me? Like seriously why don't i care anymore? Ugh this is not good, not at all. I have no future right now. I'm fucking with any chance of succeeding. why? It's good to succeed. Why would i not want to do everything in my power to? Something is holding me back and i don't exactly know what it is. But it needs to stop i need to seriously fucking do something about it because i can't keep doing this to myself. Ugh I should be happy right now cause Christmas is soo soon and i have an awesome boyfriend and amazing friends but i'm in the shit right now. I need help, and i'm not afraid to ask for it.

<3

Alright so this is my confession.......

I'm falling and falling hard. But it will be ok this time cause i'm not afraid to get hurt anymore, even though i have gotten hurt a lot lately. But ya know what life is too short...so fuck it i'm just gonna throw my everything into it and if i get hurt it's my own fault. no blame on anyone else. So yeah i'm happy :) thank god!! Things are going alright for once and i'm truly happy about it. So ya Thursday is Thanks Giving! I hope everyone has a good one and remember even if things seem bad, there is always something to be thankful for ;) So i guess my advice to you all is to find that one thing you are truly thankful for and hold on tight because life is too short to hold regrets. Don't let the bad things ruin your thanks giving! Love you all and have an amazing holiday!

<3 Manda ;)

So i hope everyone enjoyed their halloween! Unfortunately mine was pretty lame. I had to work and it really sucked. But i did dress up as a New York Jet (i'll put pictures up later). Work was very busy last night because everyone was being lazy and ordering pizza and shit. Something that i never do is drop a pie while giving it to a customer and last night i did just that. I was sooo pissed but he made a joke like "leave it to a jet to fumble." But still i was very pissed off because never in my 3 and a half years of working there have i done that. It was so weird, guess it was the jersey after all huh?

Oh yeah and me and my brother bought Guitar Hero 3 yesterday and i have been playing it none stop. I love all the new songs they have on it. Did anyone else play it yet? If so what do you think? I think it's just as fun as the other one and the user face is a lot cleaner. Hmmmm... becides that i didn't do anything else yesterday. Oh wait yeah i did! I went to class. Haha that wasn't too thrilling. I had a test in one class and in the other i was too tired to function because it was at 8 in the morning. Well yeah that was my oh so exciting day yesterday and now i'm sitting here in the computer room of the Suffolk library waiting for my next class to start. So yeah thats all i'm gonna ramble on about because i don't want to bore you with anymore details of my o so exciting life. ttyl

<3 Manda

once again life has let me down again. I can never get a break. Every time something good is going to happen to me, i have to get let down and it taken away from me. It's almost like i don't deserve to be happy. I haven't done anything to deserve this and i don't know why it keeps happening to me but it's getting pretty old. I just want to be happy. Thats all i ask for. *sigh* oh well I'll get over it eventually. It really needs to stop though because it's making me a wreck. On to the next thing. I just hope I don't get let down or disappointed again...oh wait i will. Ugh someone cheer me up. why do i give so much of myself?

<3 Manda

Have you ever wondered how you got to where you were? I had a realization the other day and it really kinda freaked me out. It was like I was actually opening my eyes for the first time and realizing that I need to apply myself more. Not only in school work but in other aspects. I could be so much more than I am right now if I just applied myself and got off my lazy ass and did what I need to do. Don't get me wrong I’m grateful for where I am because I know I could be doing a lot worse in life but I’m just seeing my potential. I need to get out of this funk I’m in and just grow up. I can't believe I’m saying this lol. But I realize it's kinda true. If I don't do what I need to do then I’m gonna end up screwed and doing nothing with myself and I don't want that. Is it really that hard to stop being such a lazy piece of shit and to just fucking suck it up and get off my ass and do what needs to be done? Sometimes it is and I really need to stop thinking that way.

This is not a complaining entry. It's more of a realization that I needed to share because I feel writing things out helps me deal with it better. I'm grateful for everything in my life right now and I need to start being more fucking happy about the positive things in my life rather than focusing on the negative things. Because there is always going to be negative things, so why live a life where you focus on them all the time. You'll miss everything else that’s worth living for. So from now on I’m gonna stop being so depressing. Sure shit happens and life sucks sometimes but get over it and enjoy what’s good, your friends and family. There is so much more to be living for. So live it.

This is my apology to everyone...
Sorry for being so lame lately and depressing. I'm gonna stop because I’ve come to terms with it and realized other people have it worse. I lost myself for a while but I think I’m slowly finding myself again. I'll always be here for any of you! And I love you all very much...so if you ever need help with anything at all I’m here. Thanks to all of you that cared and gave me awesome advice! You guys are my second family and without you I would be soo lost and broken. Thanks for helping me!!!

<333 Manda :)

Ok so i wrote a new poem today b/c i have so much time on my hands this weekend considering i have nothing to do. This is what i came up with. It's a little dark maybe even a little morbid sounding but i've had nothing to do but sit and simmer with these thoughts all day. So i came to the conclusion to write about it. So go and read...comment if you like and if you don't like it then don't comment. Simple as that...so ya read on....



Trapped in my own box of insanity, that slowly seeps into my consciousness.

I'm incased in thoughts of anger, sadness, bitterness and confusion.

Why did I let myself fall back into the same hole?

The hole is never ending and only filled with pain and loss.

What brought me here?

That knife that's dug itself so deep into my back is what causes the pain that begins to bring me to tears.

My anger and resentment begins to rise like the tide.

Slowing beginning to reach my throat, I can feel the bile rising higher with the tide.

It's like a slow burning fire that never seems to die.

I begin to see red and am soon consumed by my own emotions.

I'm being drowned in my anger and bitterness.

What have I lost from this?

I've lost my hope and sanity.

If only that one word hadn't driven me to it.

Boredom is what I was driven to.

How did this happen?

I was left to sit and rot encased in these four blue walls.

I won't let it overtake me, not this time.

I rise slowly from the ashes and suck the bile back down into my throat.

Filled with optimism I look at things a lot differently.

Now I know.

And that's all that needed to be said.

this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
something isn't right
nothing makes it right
days go by
restless nights pass
still the same
nothing seems real
feeling far away
days drag, nights never end
when will this numbness end?
where did it begin?
why me? what did i do?
this pain shouldn't be here
i should be happy
living,breathing easy
but i'm not
instead it's heavy breathing
chest tightening
paranoia setting in
what is this?
could it be love?
why does it hurt so bad then?
everything seems fuzzy
unattainable
i want it
can't have it
grasping for nothing
giving up
it's become too much
little hope is left
hanging on by a limb
something needs to change soon
they say it will be ok
but it's harder than you know

new poem i wrote and yes i took the last line from SGT's Bleed. so thats not mine..but everything else is. so comments
<3

I'm very upset and it's really starting to piss me off. Some days i'm fine and then others i'm just BLAH! I can't take this anymore. *sigh* i just want someone...and it's not gonna be possible for me to have what i want cause thats how life works. Life just always shits on me. I don't know why either. I don't think i deserve it...so wtf? ugh someone please help me get all of this off my mind please! Today is a no bueno day :( I dunno maybe it's because i'm soo tired and thats why it got me to thinking about it. I'm confused and aggravated!! Any advice?